GyStorm

Why does my life is so filled with patterns??? Why can't i change it??? Even with the knowledge of how??? I do often know how to do things... But why i often don't find enough strength to do so... Why is my determination so weak??? Why am i weak??? Is it God seeking me to trust in Him more??? For i do admit... I have somewhat backslided from Him...

What patterns have been haunting me??? I have always seek too much... Overestimating myself far too many times... Taking up too many... For i often believe excess is better than not enough... Yet, even with the knowledge that it is not true in all cases... I often applies it to all situations...

Another pattern is the fact that i am always 'second in command' being able to influence and manipulate... It sounds wrong... but not when you are me... a person who only find security in things he can control... Last year, i thought I manage to influence a guy... A good friend... one who is powerful base on status... But the influence last only in the beginning... for my influence is by teaching him... For my specialty (If you can say whether i have any) is to organize... But i always underestimate peoples ability to learn... (Another Pattern) He learned... Innovated... and applied... And no longer needs me more than any other subordinates... Likewise... it happens again... only my influence last longer...

Why is it my yearning to influence??? For it is my sole goal to make a mark, an impression, for i believe that achieving anything other than making a mark is useless... but Achieving things will make a mark...

I am now a downed plane... I flew too high... i can't withstand the rigors of thin air... I falling... whether i survived or not is in God's hand now...

Haish... This few days don't know why always headache... maybe think too much... lol... So long never post anything up d... Today is my roommates birthday!!! and i didn't even know it until about 11pm... lol... Can't blame me or him though... i only arrive back to the hostel at about 7.30pm whereas he just came back at about 8.30pm... But then... it is study time... so both of us were just studying on our own as usual... after roll call he went to hang out with the rest of his friends while i just stayed in my room... lol... i only knew bout it when he came back with a big birthday present... lol... Happy Birthday man...

Haish... Today come back late because of GP remedial... No choice la... i failed in my GP what... if want to do better... better go lo... But i didn't realise My ex co friend in RMA also in it... lol... what a coincidence... But it isn't anything to laugh about actually... At least the GP remedial was quite fun... I won't have that tension around me every time in class...

Seriously... That omnipresent tension is always there... Amidst the laughters and jokes... there is always some sort of tension around me...

Another thing happen this week, one of my class rep has taken to class coessiveness... he made a 'speech' on 'no man is an island' thingy... and encourage us all to mix around more... lol... plus with the discrimination presentation in GP class too... lol... But obviously no one listens to him to that extend... Ironic... because this class seems to thrive on discrimination and isolation. It is really like the discrimination of one brings about a greater sense of the group being... well... the group...

I wonder why the world have so many hypocrites... well... i used to be one... or maybe still one... but i realise my mistakes and i strive to minimise being hypocrites... oh well... writing about hypocrites would then make me a hypocrite right??? lol... Never mind then...

Its quite funny you know... to lead some kind of multiple life... personality... i mean... well... in school, i would be like some kind of loner and mugger... whereas back in the hostel... i would be a slacker and a total sociable person... and i could just go crazy man... oh well... life in JC is ultra hectic... Haish... lol...

KK... time for bed... Nitez people... (Even if you are reading this in the morning) lol... Lame...

I got a new blog... url is http://bright-storm.blogspot.com/... will be posting my blogs there once the internet problem is solve...